Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He has the fingertips of a God
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