be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
