we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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