All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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