How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize