I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
