i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
