I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
