I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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