here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
