its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
