im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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