She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
