Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
