I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
