and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
