Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
