Your face is a jimmy john
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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