Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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