My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
