I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
