I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
