So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
