just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
