I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
