Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
