well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
