The maid of honor just puked.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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