Who wears a wallet chain?!
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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