I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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