omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
