Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
