the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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