Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
