I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
