Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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