Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
