I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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