Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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