Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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