Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
