bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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