i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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