I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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