if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This baby is an asshole
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
