She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
