I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
