good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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