I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
