I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
