My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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