I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
